YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
