this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
