i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
