So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I understand Curling. That high.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
