last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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