My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Shitshow foam night was such a success
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
