I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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