My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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