so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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