I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
