where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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