I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I stole a fireplace last night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
