so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
