i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
