I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
