i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
