I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
