Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
