Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
