this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
