Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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