I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
