I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
