Got a toothbrush?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
