mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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