At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
