It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
