My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
