i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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