I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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