So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
