Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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