rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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