so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
