you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
