Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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