Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
