hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
