take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
