So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
