Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
