dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
