I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
