my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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