I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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