epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
