Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
