so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
