Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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