I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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